East Asian Men: Are Traditional Gender Roles Hurting Us?

Women’s issues have been under the spotlight in the world recently, and this is evidence of increasing progress for women’s rights. But what about men? Along with women demanding equality, many people — especially from the younger generation — have begun to question male gender standards. Often times, “toxic masculinity” is used as an umbrella term for aggressive, insensitive, and violent male behaviors that pose a threat to others. This article, however, is not about toxic masculinity; instead, it focuses on traditional expectations and standards for men, particularly in East Asia, and how they can affect the emotional well-being of men.

Curious about the female perspective on East Asian gender roles? Check out Sabrina C’s article, “What Does the ‘Future’ Look Like for East Asian Women?”

Some traditional masculinity standards have been called out as harmful to teenagers as they come of age. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines the norms and expectations for men as “masculinity ideologies,” suggesting that men should have assertive, competitive and dominant traits. These standards have been challenged by people in the West, while many in Asian countries — especially in East Asia — have chosen to remain quiet. The traditional values and standards of gender roles are more fixed and conservative in this region. But according to the APA, traditional masculinity is harmful, as these standards limit men in their freedom of action and choice. They can make men feel inadequate and abnormal if they do not fit into the gender role expectations.

In a survey conducted by the Plan International USA, the majority of boys still felt that strength and toughness were what made them “men.” In their opinion, those were the two main traits that formed men. They believe in this solely because society tells them men need to be strong and tough — which is not true. A man should still be considered a man even if he cries often and freely expresses his emotions — even if he is not as “strong” as some of the women around him. Perhaps that sensitive and emotional man has things to offer, like compassion and social IQ, that make him just as valuable to society as his “strong and tough” peers.

The question of whether masculinity standards in East Asian societies are actually harmful or not is already debated among Asian communities when it comes to media and celebrity portrayal. Idols (or young singers such as K-Pop band members) wear makeup on stage and sometimes will choose to “애교” (aegyo) or act cute (a form of flirting or coyness) to gain fandom. These people make it seem as if men wearing makeup and acting feminine is accepted by society. However, if a normal person who is not a celebrity, not a K-Pop idol, wears makeup on a regular basis, he will be judged and commented on negatively by others. In other words, the standards that govern celebrities and those that function for ordinary men are not the same, and the visibility of more effeminate or gender-neutral male celebrities should not be taken as evidence of progress for the average man. Instead, a long list of other traditional masculinity expectations (including needing to be athletic, assertive, emotionless or “stiff,” being financially stable, and independent of others) still define the way a “good man” in this part of the world is supposed to act.

As a Korean boy growing up, I was forced onto sports teams and was often scolded when I chose to not to join them. These situations are extremely common among boys in East Asian countries such as China and South Korea. Why is it important for boys to be athletic? Why are East Asian parents so obsessed with making their children “normal?”

According to Sang-Eul Jung, father of grade 12 student Vicky J., as he was growing up in South Korea, he was often pressured by his parents to “become a doctor or a lawyer,” or aim for professions similar to those in order to be successful and have a steady income to support his family. He was told to study hard as a teenager as it was his “duty” to become a successful man. In South Korea, there are specific masculinity standards one should meet. These include that men should not wear makeup or feminine clothing such as blouses. Korean and Taiwanese men are additionally required by law to go to military service, and are expected to protect their family and country. This is also why boys in China and Korea are often trained in activities such as Taek-Won-Do (Korean martial arts).

For many families in East Asian countries, it is still considered unacceptable for a mother to work outside the home and the father to keep house. These families are seen as “abnormal” and judged negatively by the public. Men are especially blamed in these cases, as they are seen to be more useless than their wives, who, according to traditional norms, should be “weaker.” This is a parallel situation to the fight for women’s equality; the more women are degraded, the more extreme masculinity standards and expectations become.

Men “are expected to bring food to the table, as working is viewed as men’s [responsibility],” States Brandon L., a Korean male junior at AISG. He adds, “since money correlates with the level of self-esteem, this role [of working and earning money] has become a standard in men’s ego” in East Asian countries. Although he does not feel pressured by his parents to be more masculine or man-like, he observes society forcing other men to do so. This is portrayed strongly in Asian media, especially K-Dramas.

Recent K-Drama Sky Castle went viral for its deep exposure of Korean society. Although the storyline mainly focuses on exposing the corrupt or harmful academic and education systems in Korea, the setting mirrors exactly what a “perfect” Korean family should look like: fathers being dominant and leaders of their family, and also being the ones with money and authority. The father characters in this K-Drama have many dominant traits such as shouting at their children and scolding them.

Most importantly, sons have the duty to carry on family businesses, which may seem like a benefit, but often inhibits them from pursuing their dreams. Sons are also responsible for carrying on family names. They are expected to marry and have their own biological children who will take their last names. “My parents would often tell me to have at least 2 kids,” claims Mr. Jung. It is important in East Asia for men to have children under their own family name, and since children use their paternal family name in most cases, baby boys are more valued than daughters. This leads to serious controversy; for instance, the Chinese government has established a law where family members, including the mother, are prohibited from knowing an unborn baby’s gender because so many couples have chosen abortion when they found out they would be having a girl. While gender bias is still common in many countries worldwide, where men are often prioritized, such bias also gives them an immense amount of pressure to be successful, as they are the ones to carry their own family’s reputation and name.

Mr. Alan Cheung, an IB Economics teacher at AISG who identifies as a Hong Kong Chinese male with British nationality, told me, “As an Asian man growing up in a white community, I experienced a different masculinity standard from the Asian masculinity standards.” Although many were similar, he also was told that Asian men were additionally expected to be successful — to have a steady income to support a family, whereas, in white communities, this responsibility was not considered as important as other standards. Although Mr. Cheung’s parents did not urge him to marry or have children, he feels that this expectation is there in many Asian families. A quote he has heard many times from his father was, “You’re a man: you need to suck it up!” and many subtler messages forcing him to act more masculine.

I spoke to one local woman from our community about her perception of Asian masculinity. “Economic development has a strong correlation with [the] severity of pressure towards men in following traditional masculinity traits,” she stated, wishing to remain anonymous. Families in rural farming parts of China have a stronger gender bias and place more pressure on both genders to develop traditional gender traits, whereas in cities, these traditional gender traits are less forced upon people. The interviewee grew up on a farm and her parents subjected her brother to immense pressure about becoming more mature and successful at a young age. He is also expected to carry on the family legacy and name. “I have heard my parents give a lot of direct messages about different expectations of being masculine to my brother,” she added.

In my opinion, forcing masculinity standards on men, especially young adults, can harm their overall self-acceptance and growth. Young men whose personalities are expressive, open, emotional, creative, sensitive, or understanding might be regarded as inferior by a traditional culture, causing them to stifle these traits in favor of being cold, tough, or aggressive This can damage the men themselves, who might harm themselves or live quietly unhappy lives when forced to conform to identities that are simply not theirs; also, it can hurt society by eliminating a range of needed personality traits from an entire gender, and making it seem to young, non-conforming men that there are no adult role models who resemble them.

I believe that anyone, no matter their gender, should have the freedom to dress, act and like whatever they are in favor of. Just because society tells a person to act a certain way does not mean that the way of acting is correct or better for him or her. In East Asia, these standards are more severe and prescriptive than in Western countries. Most of these expectations originate with the elderly, who often advocate for conservative values, and in a society that emphasizes respect of the elderly, it is inevitable that their beliefs will be given some level of priority. Although we cannot force them to change and think differently, it is important for us to raise awareness of the harm traditional masculinity can cause, and to let men of all types know that they are still valid, valued members of East Asian society.